Deeply Touched

My husband and I have been trying to conceive our second child now for over a year and a half. We were quite naive going into this journey, after all our son had been conceived simply by thinking about a baby (ok not really but I was pregnant within the first two weeks of not using contraceptives). My husband was so sure of a repeat performance he was already telling his family the moment I was 5 days late. But God had much different plans.

This journey has been a roller coaster of emotions and hormones. Some months I fared better than others. Some times I was relieved not to be pregnant (especially during our battle to move) and other times I felt the will to keep going slip quickly from my fingers. Since we began this journey my brother in law had a daughter, a friend had a son and now my step daughter is pregnant with her first... this of course did not help, lol... although I was and am happy for them all.

Understanding God has a reason for everything did not help. Feelings of not being good enough in God's eyes tortured me at night. I guess you could just compare me with being a toddler... I know what I want, I know why I want it, and no one can explain to me enough as to why I can't have it. And dang it what was so dang special about everyone else that they got what I wanted! ? Obviously I have a lot of growing to do in my faith.

This weekend was one of the hardest for me. Somehow I had talked myself into thinking that this was going to be the month. Needless to say that when I had that first twinge of a cramp I broke down. I couldn't grip what was going wrong. We have a big enough home, we have the money, we have the love... why is God punishing me? I've had some basic testing done at the doc's... they say I'm good to go... but nothing is happening. Am I doomed to produce no more children?

My husband sat me down trying to calm me down. He looked me square in the eyes telling me that God would help us, but that I needed to help myself as well. My anger displaced his words, looking at what he was doing wrong that might cause God to think that we were not able to handle another child. After all was I not doing my best?

I prayed the next two mornings... asking for any direction at all. Praying and listening are not my best qualities. Then this morning I was doing my usual avoiding of the day stumbling through blogs looking for recipes and the such when I stumbled on this blog... http://growingupgodskids.blogspot.com/2009/10/unmerited-kindness-and-faith . Half way into her writings my eyes began to tear. In some one's thoughts on a different situation God had laid out exactly what I had to do. Prepare for a baby that may never come to be.

Her post opened up many thoughts in my head that I know I must now pray deeply about. We have the money, yes... but do we use it right, are we prepared for the financial challenges this baby will bring. Is my home ready for another child? Not in the amount of rooms, but in it's order, cleanliness and so forth? Am i raising our son to the best of my abilities as of right now? Am I prepared to continue raising him to the best I can with another child? I could go on and on with this list, but I think we all get the point. I am ready in my heart to love another child, we have a room waiting for him/her, and our wallets are ready too. But truly the home is not ready. I'm saying home as in the whole being of a home and not the walls themselves. I can't expect everything to fall into place when a child gets here, I must prepare now for a baby that may never exist. And then have faith that God will provide.

And still there's that grim reality that God may never provide us with another child. Or that I may need medical assistance to reach that dream. At this point in time those two things I do not know, and will have to tackle that as they arise. I do however know that preparing for a child that may never be, if done right will only better our family and won't cost a dime... I just have to hold onto my faith and pray for the best.

In closing once again I must express my deepest thanks and love towards the writer of the mentioned blog for providing the path to hear what God was telling me all along. And now I must not only listen but obey God and get off this computer and work on making my home.