Deeply Touched

My husband and I have been trying to conceive our second child now for over a year and a half. We were quite naive going into this journey, after all our son had been conceived simply by thinking about a baby (ok not really but I was pregnant within the first two weeks of not using contraceptives). My husband was so sure of a repeat performance he was already telling his family the moment I was 5 days late. But God had much different plans.

This journey has been a roller coaster of emotions and hormones. Some months I fared better than others. Some times I was relieved not to be pregnant (especially during our battle to move) and other times I felt the will to keep going slip quickly from my fingers. Since we began this journey my brother in law had a daughter, a friend had a son and now my step daughter is pregnant with her first... this of course did not help, lol... although I was and am happy for them all.

Understanding God has a reason for everything did not help. Feelings of not being good enough in God's eyes tortured me at night. I guess you could just compare me with being a toddler... I know what I want, I know why I want it, and no one can explain to me enough as to why I can't have it. And dang it what was so dang special about everyone else that they got what I wanted! ? Obviously I have a lot of growing to do in my faith.

This weekend was one of the hardest for me. Somehow I had talked myself into thinking that this was going to be the month. Needless to say that when I had that first twinge of a cramp I broke down. I couldn't grip what was going wrong. We have a big enough home, we have the money, we have the love... why is God punishing me? I've had some basic testing done at the doc's... they say I'm good to go... but nothing is happening. Am I doomed to produce no more children?

My husband sat me down trying to calm me down. He looked me square in the eyes telling me that God would help us, but that I needed to help myself as well. My anger displaced his words, looking at what he was doing wrong that might cause God to think that we were not able to handle another child. After all was I not doing my best?

I prayed the next two mornings... asking for any direction at all. Praying and listening are not my best qualities. Then this morning I was doing my usual avoiding of the day stumbling through blogs looking for recipes and the such when I stumbled on this blog... http://growingupgodskids.blogspot.com/2009/10/unmerited-kindness-and-faith . Half way into her writings my eyes began to tear. In some one's thoughts on a different situation God had laid out exactly what I had to do. Prepare for a baby that may never come to be.

Her post opened up many thoughts in my head that I know I must now pray deeply about. We have the money, yes... but do we use it right, are we prepared for the financial challenges this baby will bring. Is my home ready for another child? Not in the amount of rooms, but in it's order, cleanliness and so forth? Am i raising our son to the best of my abilities as of right now? Am I prepared to continue raising him to the best I can with another child? I could go on and on with this list, but I think we all get the point. I am ready in my heart to love another child, we have a room waiting for him/her, and our wallets are ready too. But truly the home is not ready. I'm saying home as in the whole being of a home and not the walls themselves. I can't expect everything to fall into place when a child gets here, I must prepare now for a baby that may never exist. And then have faith that God will provide.

And still there's that grim reality that God may never provide us with another child. Or that I may need medical assistance to reach that dream. At this point in time those two things I do not know, and will have to tackle that as they arise. I do however know that preparing for a child that may never be, if done right will only better our family and won't cost a dime... I just have to hold onto my faith and pray for the best.

In closing once again I must express my deepest thanks and love towards the writer of the mentioned blog for providing the path to hear what God was telling me all along. And now I must not only listen but obey God and get off this computer and work on making my home.

Book Review: What's He Really Thinking

"What's He Really Thinking?" How to be a Relational Genius with the Man in Your Life
by Paula Rinehart

If there's one universal in any woman's life it's this: she will always be relating to a man. Auther Paula Rinehart uses her more than twenty years of counseling experience along with in depth study and scientific research to help un-lock the age old mysteries of the male mind-set with her woman's field guide to the male psyche.

This book took me ages to read, but only because of the current season of my life and beautiful sunny weather outside. Rinehart uses scientific fact and biblical fact to clearly explain the differences between the genders, but she does not leave you with the feeling of reading a science textbook. After explaining the pure facts she moves into easy explanations, several examples and case studies. But she doesn't leave you hanging there. Rinehart also leaves you with many hints and tips on how to deal with these situations in your own life.

The book is very practical and extremely relevant no matter what your relational situation may be with the many men in your life. From dealing with a co-worker, brother, father to a husband all are covered. Even if you find yourself in a perfect marriage or with no issues with any other male this book will still prove helpful for you.

I recommend this book for anyone who has any interest in dealing with the opposite gender, as I said before whether or not you think you need advice. Also her book shares several insights into what makes a female tick versus a male so I would also recommend it to the men in our lives... although you may have to bribe them to get them to touch it! Defiantly an interesting read.

Book Review: Jesus Calling

Sarah Young for many years had been keeping a prayer journal of her own words to God. Inspired to become more attentive to the words of Jesus instead of her own she one day stopped writing her own words and listened. What she heard became the new mission of her prayer journal and soon became this extremely inspirational book.

Jesus calling is the collection of what Sarah Young heard from Jesus in response to her prayers. Each daily devotional is written in Jesus' words as Sarah heard them, and is bound in a convenient portable book.

The very first day I got this book I immediately flipped to the page for that day. I was blown away at how relevant the message was and how that was EXACTLY what I need to hear on that day. The same held true for everyday that followed. What was written hit the nail on the head every time.

Not only were the messages right on topic for me, but each one of the passages are beautifully written, highly inspirational and very moving. You truly get the feeling that these messages came from Jesus himself. And each day has a scripture passage to complete the package.

I would definitely recommend this book for anyone and everyone. It's not singled out for just one gender, age or lifestyle. The writings are easy to read yet direct, and leave you wanting to read on everyday.

April 27th, Daybook

FOR TODAY April 27, 2009

Outside my window... it's gloomy and getting ready to rain... but it is very welcomed.

I am thinking... about way to many to-do list!!!

I am thankful for... My husband and all he does for us.

From the learning rooms... today we'll continue our spring/rain/april projects

From the kitchen... if I get the house clean we might be making some cupcakes, or some bread. This week finds be truly disorganized!

I am wearing... I hate to admit it but I'm still in my pjs this morning!

I am creating... a clean house I hope! And I'm also working on a small knit blanket for my son.

I am going... crazy! Lol, our female dog is in heat, and our two males are screaming at the top of their lungs right now.

I am reading... Some book called "Bitten" I'll post the author later... right now I'm not to thrilled with the book.

I am hoping... To soon hear some good news from our agent, hopefully we'll soon be moving!

I am hearing... too much noise!! Everyone in my home is screaming!

Around the house... everything is in distress, but hopefully I'll get it back under control real soon.

One of my favorite things... today it's the fact that it is cloudy and gloomy out, such a great incentive to stay indoors and clean!

A few plans for the rest of the week: Again I'm so behind on everything and disorganized... so as of know it's just to get my act into gear!

Here is picture thought I am sharing...(add your picture here) I have a new computer so this one will have to come later!!!